Priceless

Thank you to Naveen Srivatsav, a blogger from Singapore for sharing this.

• God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
• My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
• I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We’re OK Now
• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
• What If the Hokey Pokey IS Really What It’s All About?
• Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
• Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food
• Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
• Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law
• If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
• First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
• In Dog Years, I’m Dead
• Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
• If at First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t for You
• I’m Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
• Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
• A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
• First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
• Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
• In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• God must love stupid people…He made SO many.
• God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
• EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something like that
• Stop repeat offenders. Don’t reelect them!
• A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
• When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
• Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• I don’t have a license to kill, but I do have a learner’s permit.
• He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
• I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
• Red meat is not bad for you.Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
• If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
• The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
• After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• In case of fire, yell “FIRE”!
• He who hesitates is constipated.
• Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
• Smile! It makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.
• Reality is for people who can’t face science fiction.
• Friction is a drag.
• Blame Saint Andreas - It’s all his fault.
• I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Atheism is a non-prophit organization.
• Alex Haley was adopted!
• If I want your opinion, I’l give it to you.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
• He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
• While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
• Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
• Prunes give you a run for your money.
• Drilling for oil is boring.
• Old frogs never die, but they do croak!
• I intend to leave this world the way I came in.Naked, screaming and covered in blood.
• LOVE: Two vowels, two cosonants, two fools.
• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• The sex was so good, the neighbors had a cigarette.
• If you smoke after sex, your doing it to fast.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• Born free…taxed to death.
• The more people I meet the more I like my dog.
• Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
• There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
• Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.